Sunday, November 26, 2006

Did you mean this one Gina? Some more editing on my writing needed!!


Hi gals!

Thanks so much for last week's feedback on my rhyming and sketch! Very helpful! Glad you liked the sketch overall too. I will definitely zoom in more on grandma's face in the color version. And yes Gina, I did the piece above of a nasty teacher last year. She was actually my Kindergarten teacher and I was mortified of her! I remember her like it was yesterday! That was a very long time ago too.

On another note here's some more of my Little Red story in rhyme. Let me know where it's off or what sounds awkward etc. I didn't get what you meant exactly about the tempo Carlyn. I've been trying to get the piece to have 8 syllables and then break with a comma and the last two words of each part of the phrase rhyme. Don't know help!! More suggestions would be greatly appreciated. It's all new to me but a lot of fun too.



"There was a girl so sweet and kind , to give a hand she’d never mind.
A warm and glad embrace she’d ask, upon completion of a task.
Rain or shine she’d find a way, to make the best of every day.


One day her grandma thought to find, for she was almost nearly blind,
a gift to give to her grand child, that didn’t mind to walk the mile,
along a path deep in the wood, for this was where her cottage stood.


Beneath her bed there lie a chest, with things the grandma loved the best.
It held a cape from long ago, she’d worn to town her goods in tow.
The color was a precious red, to suit a girl more young instead!

This lovely cape it fit just right, not short or long not even tight.
Red Riding Hood they called her so, she wore this cape for all to know,
Grandma’s gift she thought a treasure, love for her there was no measure! "

5 comments:

  1. Giselle,
    Your work just gets better and better. I love the angle here and how the woman's angry face dominated the scene. It's almost like her big hair controls the angle. The only thing that I can think of is to make it clearer that the woman is looking at the little girl. great job!

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  2. Isn't it amazing what a teacher can do?
    I like the angle of the teacher as well. She looks so over powering to that little girl. Gets the message across. I would add a little more color to the face. It's a little light. Perspective is also very nice. I like the stuff going on in the back ground.
    Great piece here!

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  3. Hi Giselle,
    What a great illustration! We had a substitute teacher that worked at the same school as me a few years back and boy was she scary. This image reminds me of her - you've got that expression perfectly. I feel sorry for you having such a teacher in kindergarten.
    As for your text, I think it's going well, but, then again, I'm not an expert in rhyme and syllables - it gets so confusing, but, hang in there. If you're stuck, I'd suggest to just read out loud to yourself and others and see how it sounds. Hopefully, some of the other gals will have better suggestions, but, I like it so far!
    Otherwise, keep up the great job - Happy Holidays and happy brushes! Chris

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  4. Hi Giselle,
    getting back to you about the text. What I was talking about last week - even if two sentences have the same amount of beats they can still sound off if the emphasized symbols are off.

    Unless I am reading shakespeare, I personally am not a fan of playing with verb tenses either. example - beneath her bed there LAY a chest. I just can't even say lie.

    And some of the sentences feel that you are substituting extra words in to force the meter. It's almost like a poem full of passive sentences. Try writing it in the active voice and I think it might be less confusing. subject and object.

    example: one day her grandma thought to find,

    find what? ok the third line tells you it is a gift. but then you have this random sentense thrown in, "for she was almost nearly blind." hmmmm are you talking about the gift or the grandma

    " a gift to give to her grand child, that didn't mind to walk the mile -

    who didn't mind to walk the mile, the gift? the granda? the child?

    please take this critique with the disclaimer that poetry is very much a matter of taste. I like my poetry written in an active voice with clear subjects and objects and a few ironic unexpected pharses.....sort of like a journey where the reader never gets lost but is surprised to see where they end up.

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  5. Yup, that's the teacher, Giselle! She's so great! When I first saw her on line so long ago I thought to myself now THAT'S someone who can illustrate! You were an example for me before you ever knew it! :)
    And ya know, I feel your pain over writing in verse. I spent many many MANY hours over the summer writing my Sophie poem and it was sooo much more challenging than I had anticipated, and I normally LOVE writing in verse but had never tackled such a large task as an entire story like that. I must admit, I agree with Carlyn in that there needs to be some tweaking there, but for me I found the best way to look at my poem when I was unsure is I eliminated any part that I didn't deem absolutely necessary! No sentences put in for tie up a verse, no unecessary visuals unless they truly added to the story, etc. Thinking in this way really helped me and I ended up eliminated A LOT of initial ideas so that I didn't get those "forced" sentences that really weren't doing anything for my story. I also bought (and don't laugh!) a rhyming dictionary that helped me out a lot!! :) It was 5 bucks at Barnes and Noble and it was my life saver!! Just a little pocket guide that really saved my butt when I was stuck. But anyway, you have a lot of potential here that with some tweaking will most certainly be great!

    Have fun!!!
    Gina

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